This morning I woke up at around 06h50 CAT and felt amped for this, the last day of 2016. I had bought the sombrero and red neck thing at ChinaTown, Sable Square yesterday, along with the Olmeca Tequila at PicknPay Liquor, with the BEAR underwear being a December purchase.
*Amped* doesn’t quite do the feeling justice though, simply because I have this need to play dress-up and act the fool at every opportunity. That’s where this post is heading … A look back at this year and the many attempts at trying to find versions of myself I once enjoyed.
Now, don’t get me wrong. This year has been tough too. But in those moments, lie the lessons necessary for growth.
Lesson 1: Just do it!
This year I finally decided to upload some videos on a Youtube channel I’ve had for about ×2 years prior. At present, the growth of the channel is slow. I, however, will not abandon the sad little thing just yet. In all honesty, I ♥ the process of conceptualising, recording and editing the videos. I have loads of ideas, that I probably should tone down a bit, but I think I lack discipline. Going to attempt recording ×3 videos later today though. Wish me luck and send me positive vibes please.
Lesson 2: I’m a people pleaser
Christmas is always a hectic time for me. The last ×1 was particularly so. We (bf and I, along with my siblings and nephews) were invited to Christmas lunch at my aunt’s place. It felt good to be around family from my father’s side of the tree, because those f@ckers (with the exclusion of Aunty Diana and her core family) have basically thrown my sister and I away. Anyhoo, lunch was set for 13h00, but it only kicked off at around 13h55, because my cousin and her husband were #TardyToTheParty … As soon as the food was placed, I encouraged everyone to gobble up as much as they could in the shortest amount of time, because my mother was hospitalised ×2 weeks prior and on Christmas Eve she told me that she doesn’t want to be the only person in the ward without any visitors during visiting hour (15h00–16h00). We only left my aunt’s place at around 15h25, because my sister wanted #ThatOneLastBeer [I know right, insert “Ew!” here] … We got to the hospital at 16h03 and then the weight of the day caused my implosion. Thoughts going a mile a minute doesn’t even do it justice. My head went, “Ok, we’re so fucked. My mother, who is a very positive person, but can be uber sulky will now moan that she didn’t have visitors. And that we’re always late. And that I should eat more. And get a proper boy’s haircut. My sister and brother, by their very nature, don’t really mingle … and we still have to go to Stephen’s parents’ place after this. I hate feeling like this! Why are we always quadruple booked on this day?! I want to go home, but just be alone.” It all ended with me shouting that the bf should go to his parents’ place, we’ll now have to wait at the hospital until 19h00, when the next round of visiting hours start and we’ll find our own way home. Yes, I have a flair for dramatics when under pressure.
We were allowed to visit my mother between 16h00–17h00, where my mother’s commentary on my overall lack of punctuality provided the final crack in my keep-it-all-together armour and I let them have it. As we left, I felt bad for my outburst, but knew this shit has to stop. Sometimes, NO just needs to be said.
Lesson 3: My starsign … It compels me
“I’m a f#cking Libra” to quote drag queen star, Adore Delano. Most of you might not believe in the zodiac stuff, and not that I have a belief in them either, but I can’t help but feel like, somehow, the scales of Libra makes me do certain things. I’m constantly in some sort of balancing act, attempting to get stuff into some sort of equilibrium … Hence, my parading in town with my new found friends. Doing the Netflix & chill (minus the Netflix) thing is great. I ♥ watching series and movies, but I’ve also realised that life itself is passing us by when we merely exist for settling in front of the tube, getting that resting heart rate that causes obesity … I think.
Lesson 4: Some colleagues hate me
My colleague and pal recently got promoted to a managerial position within the company I work for. He asked me whether I would consider taking up a group leader position that deals with English grammar. Yes, folks, English is my thang. I told him I’d think about it. ×2 hours later and a bunch of us are standing on the balcony and a known douchebag joins us. He grabs the hands of my ×3 other male colleagues, hugs the female colleague and gives me this glance of loathing …
Some backstory: This dick, who at the time, had a girlfriend, decided to interfere with the relationship of another colleague and friend of mine. The friend, his fiance, the douchbag and I were all employed at the same company. ×1 night, my friend didn’t pitch for work … I received a phonecall from another friend of mine, asking me whether my other friend is ok, because there were some exploits performed in her office by the douchbag. We both decided to go in search of my friend and found him in the parking lot. I got a few cuts on my arm, due to the knife I had concealed under my cardigan. Yip, yip. I generally have the air of respectability about me, but I can get ghetto super fast if you mess with me and mine. The douchbag didn’t try anything though. But he still hates my guts. And not that I even care what a hairy, horny hobbit thinks of me, I just thought it funny enough to include it in this post.
Lesson 5: Application of “Need to know basis”
I’ve actually learnt this lesson a long while ago, but I guess I’m just such a bobble head, that I keep on falling into this trap. I always seem to overshare with people of no real relevance to my existence. I tend to do it with the people who should be considered #MyTribe too. Vital bits of information, I think I should know, just never gets passed my way, until it is way too late. So, from here on out, I will apply this “Need to know basis” in liberal amounts to everyone. You tell me stuff, I’ll tell you stuff (within reason, of course)
Fret not! It’s not all doom and gloom
Through my Youtube exploits, I’ve made quite a few virtual friends. They’re labeled as such, because I haven’t met them in person just yet, lol. These are the people who motivate me and also provide a good amount of ego stroking to an attention whore like me. It does feel good to just talk about nonsense every other day though. For the longest time, I just didn’t have that. I abandoned WhatsApp due to some personal reasons, that will haunt me until my final resting perhaps (what? I told you I’m dramatic), but I’m back on there now too.
Back in the day, I was quite the sentimental type. Over the years, I’ve since abandoned the indulgences of friendship and romance … However, it is slowly creeping its way back into my being. “Strangers become friends and friends become family”, is something I used to say to some other former friends of mine, while out and about at the local dive bar. Most of those people, whom I loved (and continue until this day) have removed themselves from my world … due to proximity, my general over-the-top-ness, or they just weren’t vibing me anymore. That certainly does not mean that I should give up on all the people I do have in my corner.
I don’t know what 2017 holds, but whatever it is, I’ll attempt:
1) Avoiding negative people
2) Invest more in myself
3) Continue being a great son, brother, uncle, lover, friend
4) Having more fun
5) Meeting new people
6) Experience stuff
7) Wear more clothes in Instagram posts (LOL)
8) Start talking to God more
9) Just be me
The above should not be confused as a list of resolutions! Merely a guideline to attract the things I want.
I really hope you have yourself a Safe, Awesome, Laid-back last day of 2016. Also, that your 2017 is filled with Blessings, Good fortunes, Awesome people and some sort of Support system to deal with all the sh@t this Life manages to catapult your way.
Thank you for reading. I know this was probably difficult to read, because I need to get into practicing my formulation of thoughts, but I thought, “Just give it a go”